How to be Unhappy: A 5 Step Guide for Success at Unsuccess

Fri 22nd Jun 2018

Do you ever wonder why everything that happens to you is a blessing, why every experience you have is a distinctly positive one and why you’re always successful no matter the situation? Do you wish that sometimes all of this could all just be flipped upside down and reversed?

Don’t worry, it can. I have the solution - just follow my 5 easy steps for unsuccess and unhappiness below.


Step 1 - Isolate yourself

That’s right, human beings are, through evolution, social creatures. Hence it goes to figure that by having a constant and consistent social circle you are making yourself unnecessarily happy.

In the olden days (I’m talking most of human history) humans have naturally tended to live and thrive in communities of 75-150 people.

This unreasonably social number helped those in the community to feel a part of something, to connect and to foster the warmth of human interaction.

So stop that.

If you want to be unhappy then isolate yourself. Build a castle, build an island, better yet! Build a castle on an island! And add a moat, with sharks and a draw bridge. Or just lock yourself in a basement, that works just as well.


Step 2 - Give lots of fucks

Did you know that there’s a direct correlation between how many fucks a person gives about something and how happy they are on the whole? Even more surprisingly, did you know that this correlation is a negative one – so the less fucks a person gives about things the happier they are!

Yuck, we don’t want any of that happiness over here, so the best way to reverse that is to reverse the correlation and start giving a great deal of fucks about everything!

Did your co-worker give you a weird look today? They probably hate you, you should take it personally!

Is your work underpaying you or did your boss skip you out on a promotion? They definitely think you’re not worth much and you should absolutely stick around in this company and make yourself more unhappy hoping that by chance something might change in the future (by no means, however, should you attempt to prove them wrong by going out of your way to seek new and better opportunities).

Did you fall out with your best friend over something trivial? Make sure to run the disagreement around your head lots of times to build up a long term grudge against them and not speak to them ever again (you absolutely should not look at the grand scheme of things; that we are just passing moments of dust in an endless and timeless universe that will continue on for an infinite eternity once the brief and pathetic fart that is your life passes – don’t allow yourself that perspective and make sure to only look at situations up close).

Oh and whilst you’re giving all of those fucks you should also make sure to keep your mind closed to any other opinions. Consider everybody an idiot. Better still, consider everybody with differing opinions inferior and not worth your time – make sure to pull up that draw bridge.


Step 3 - Ignore the present

There is absolutely no point living in the present when there are so many countless future scenarios to wonder and worry about. The risks of not getting a job, running out of money, you or your loved ones getting ill, the sharks escaping your moat and devaluing your castle or any number of other things that might go wrong.

You need to worry about these things. Constantly. Because if you don’t worry about them now you might not worry about them at all in the future!

But I get it, sometimes thinking about the future is tiring. Luckily you can also reminisce about the past.

Reminiscing about the past is a great way to pass the time and remind yourself how different things are now. And we all know that different is bad!

But hook yourself up to that drip of past memories and soon you’ll be indulging in how much you still miss your ex, how your past job gave you more security than you have now and how you were definitely on track to compete in the next Olympics before you got lazy and gave up on athletics to go drink with your friends. Very soon, these past indulgences will form into new future scenarios to worry about even more.

But under no circumstances should you think about the present!

Thinking about the present will give you a countless number of horribly happy attributes like being able to live in the moment, taking bolder risks and not basing your future direction on your past experiences.

Nobody wants that.


Step 4 - Aim for really high goals

But hold up, don’t happy and successful people have really high and mighty goals? We don’t want to be anything like them, do we!

Don’t worry, their goals are different. They might have a brief outline of some high level goal, but they don’t look to that goal directly, instead those boring people aim to set meaningful, measurable, realistic and defined small goals that they progress towards before setting new ones and new ones, constantly improving and bettering themselves a small step at a time whilst achieving what they want (and recovering from their failures at each step, which are relatively small in comparison).

Why do all of that when you can just set yourself one big goal which you’ll struggle to achieve in one step!

Want to be a multi-millionaire? Who doesn’t (just think how big you can build your castle walls with that much money)! So make sure that you set your one goal to be a multi-millionaire and constantly measure your success against that goal for guaranteed constant feelings of inadequacy.

Soon enough you’ll find you’re not making any progress towards that goal and you’ll give up. How is that promotion at your old job looking now? Still nothing? Good.


Step 5 - Stay in your comfort bubble

This one is really important! Just think of all of the things you are afraid of: change, rejection, failure, embarrassment… all of these things lie just outside of your little bubble that you’ve spent the majority of your life building.

But wait, all of those things are unhappy things, and we’re looking to be unhappy, right? – This is true, but you have to be careful! Because among those seemingly unhappy and bad outcomes of leaving your comfort zone also lies a great spectre of opportunity and positive uncertainty. That thing is just lying in wait among the negativity, waiting to pounce on you and litter you with new opportunities, positive experiences and successes!

The best way to avoid this is to make sure that you never, ever leave your comfort bubble.

After all, everything is just adequate in there, not too bad, but not too good. A nice constant state of motionless limbo. And then you die. Fart.


Finally: stick to all of the steps!

For ultimate unsuccess and unhappiness make sure to follow all 5 steps listed above at all times.

Whilst at times it might seem that the people doing the opposite to the 5 steps above are actually briefly unhappier than you. At times they will be. Trust me when I say that in the long run the 5 steps above will converge into a more unhappy and unsuccessful life. You’re welcome.